Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
