Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
