i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
