also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
