I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
