Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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