He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize