in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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