After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
