I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
