We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
