Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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