I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
