There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
