Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
