I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
