I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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