let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
