I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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