i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
