Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
