he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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