All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
