Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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