Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize