I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
