Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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