I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
