just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
