i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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