I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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