3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize