I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
