She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
