I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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