Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
