I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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