Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize