I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I intend to get homeless drunk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
