He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
