I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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