you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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