I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
