he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We have started to decorate penises.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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