On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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