I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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