I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
