Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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