Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
