Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
