About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
