Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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