i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
And then he peed in my hair
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