Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
