i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
