I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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