Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
