Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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