birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
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