I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
