you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize