OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I will be naked everywhere
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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