she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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