the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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