guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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