matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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